“Do you still believe in God?”

That is a question a few people have asked me; a question that I’m sure many more people have wondered but not dared to ask. It’s also an easy question to answer: “Yes.”

The next question is not so easy to answer.

“How can you still believe in God?”

I get it. It’s a question that gets asked a lot whenever bad things happen. War. Natural disasters. Your baby boy passing away for no known reason.

If there is a God, and He’s supposed to be good, then HOW can He let these things happen? It’s an age-old question; one that’s not only difficult to answer, but the answer is even more difficult to understand if you don’t believe in God. I don’t believe there is one perfect answer (I think everyone will have their own stories and answers to this question), but I’m going to try and explain my answer.

Why would God let Dorian die?

Believe me, that’s a question I still ask (and I believe I always will), even if I know that I may never get an answer to that on this earth. But when I look back, I see that Dorian’s whole life, and even my grief journey, are testaments that God is not only real, but very present, and ultimately, good.

Dorian was a miracle, even from conception. I’ve never been able to fall pregnant or keep a pregnancy without medication. Dorian wasn’t planned so I wasn’t on any medication, and yet when I first found out about him, I was already further along than I had been with my previous miscarriages.

It wasn’t till the second trimester when anyone suspected something was wrong, and it was halfway through the pregnancy when we were told that there were several defects in his heart, and that I had 2 weeks to terminate the pregnancy or risk a future where the only known factors were that it would be bleak and difficult. But I put my faith in my God, and I fought and prayed over my little boy.

Throughout the pregnancy, we were warned not to get our hopes up too much; that even in the best-case scenarios, our boy still had a future of surgeries and uncertainties. Even when I was in labour, I was being prepped that he may come out blue, and that I might not get a chance to hold him as he might have to be rushed off for surgery. But my God is real, and my God is good. Dorian was born strong and healthy; we got to hold and cuddle him, and even take pictures before he was taken away to NICU, where he stayed for only a week before being discharged, amazing all the cardiac team, medical staff, and even my non-believing husband.

And Dorian continued astounding them all his life. The cardiac recommendations went from likely surgery at birth, to surgery around 3-4 months, to 6 months, to then being postponed to when he needed it, because somehow, despite all odds, he was growing and thriving, and his heart was doing what it needed to do. In fact, every time we went in for any medical appointment or event, people were always shocked to find out he was a cardiac baby because his size and demeanour would have led you to believe otherwise. There is no other word for it. A miracle. That’s what Dorian was. Our gift from God.

So if God could do all these things and defy all medical odds and expectations with our boy, then why didn’t He save him? Why did He let Dorian die and not give us a reason? Like I said, I still don’t have an answer to that. The only thing I’m sure of is that it’s not because there actually is no God. Because God has shown me consistently that He was there, and still is here with me in my grief.

God is my provider, getting us through months of unpaid bereavement leave, and even now as we try to recover, providing us with what we need, sometimes before we even realise we need it. God is my comfort, speaking to me and giving me visions of my little boy in heaven. God is my strength, keeping me going instead of wasting away in bed each day. God is my peace, helping me survive the trauma and mental attacks despite my mental health history and having previously been taken out by lesser things than this.

God’s ways and thoughts are higher (Isaiah 55:8-9) – He sees the whole picture. I can’t even begin to fathom His processes but I continue to believe that He is good and that ultimately He will work all things for good (Romans 8:28). Because I have seen His hand in my life – and that of my family’s – for as long as I have known God, not just in these past 2 years. God understands sacrifice and grief more than I ever could (Isaiah 53:4), and He is not asking me to give up my grief or believe that Dorian’s passing is a good thing. Dorian’s passing will never be a good thing, but there have been good things that have come from and since then. All God is asking me to do is to trust that He will continue to create beauty from the ashes (Isaiah 61:3), and to keep holding on and believing that I will see Dorian again one day, and when I do, there will be no more pain, just peace (Revelation 21:4).

So, yes, I do still believe in God. And as for how I can still believe in God? The short answer is…

How can I not?