Grief is a lonely journey. Unless someone has experienced grief before, it can be quite hard to fathom just how much it can affect a person. It’s no wonder that people who have known grief may reach out to someone else who is grieving to try and connect or find solidarity.

However, no two experiences of grief are ever the same. Losing a child is very different to losing a parent or a spouse, and even the grief from losing one child can be completely different to that of losing a different child. Even my grief is different to that of my husband’s despite it being over the same child – our child.

Thankfully, most people I’ve spoken to are very aware of this fact, and we’ve managed to have some very beautiful conversations sharing our experiences with grief and loss. However, there’s always one person (or even a few people!) who will lack that awareness and understanding, and it can be very difficult to sit through that conversation when you’re screaming on the inside!

I’ve found the hardest thing about these conversations is that these people truly mean well, but unfortunately don’t seem to realise that instead of consoling, they’re actually hurting. Of course, there are those who don’t have the same good intentions, and their comparing comes more from a place of needing validation for their own grief (which is actually a way some people choose to deal with their grief). Thankfully, I haven’t had too many interactions with the latter group so far.

Now, I’d just like to clarify something. The feelings and symptoms of grief, the life-changing roller-coaster experience of grief, the way people choose to deal with grief; all these things can be similar from one person to another. When I say that no two experiences are ever the same, I’m talking about the circumstances of the loss and the person lost.

I’ll give you an example. I had someone reach out claiming they knew exactly what I was going through because they had lost their elderly spouse who had been sick for a while. This was within the first few weeks of Dorian’s passing, and although they meant well, their message broke me. Their spouse had lived a full life and had been wanting to go for a while so they could finally be at peace. Dorian had barely begun to live, and his passing was completely unexpected so there was no “preparation” for us. It was not the same, not even close.

I also want to clarify, and gently remind everyone, that I’m not saying that one experience of grief is worse than another. Again, no two experiences are ever the same – that means you CAN’T compare them. Grief is grief. It doesn’t matter what the circumstances are, it’s still going to hurt for the people directly affected, and likely be the worst thing they have ever experienced.

All I’m saying is, let’s leave it as that. Grief is grief. You have yours and I have mine. We don’t need to compare, we don’t need to match. Let’s just find comfort in our shared stories, and honour the memories of the ones we lost but will always love.

“It’s not a competition; it’s not a game.

It’s not worse; it’s just not the same.

…

Let’s just agree that our pain’s too big to name.

Yours is yours, and mine is mine; our grief is not the same.”

Written & Copyrighted by Lynn Vincent (2025)

An excerpt from my book, “From One Heart To Another: Poetry By A Grieving Mother”

*If you'd like to hear the full poem, you can watch my poetry reading of this piece here.