The first I ever heard of Say Their Name Day was in 2024 – someone I knew posted about it after just having lost their first child a few weeks earlier in a stillbirth. My heart was broken for them; after everything we’d been through with Dorian’s pregnancy and birth, I couldn’t imagine their pain and what they were going through. I never imagined though that just one year later, I’d be sharing my own story and asking for Dorian’s name to be remembered.

I also can’t believe that it’s been over 8 months now since we lost our precious Dorian. We’ve been without him longer than we got to keep him. I’m not sure how so much time has passed so quickly, but the pain definitely hasn’t lessened; I don’t think it ever will. And not just for us as his parents, but for his brothers too.

When Dorian first passed, one of my fears was that our 2nd son would forget him as he’d only just turned 2. Another was how it would affect our oldest, who was only just diagnosed the day before with ADHD and possible ASD, and who also struggles with anxiety. As my counsellor advised back then, grief processing for kids is often delayed, and it’s processed very differently from how we adults do it.

I can’t even imagine what would be going through our sons’ minds. If my husband and I are struggling with our emotions as full-grown adults, how much harder would it be for them? They are barely understanding their own feelings and how to name them, their vocabulary is limited, and, especially for my 2yo, they aren’t able to fully grasp the concept of death or heaven.

Our 5yo has been going through cycles of asking questions and talking obsessively about Dorian and my previous miscarriages, to shutting down completely and acting out silly behaviour whenever we try to talk to him about Dorian or his feelings. Meanwhile, our 2yo has gone from associating crying and all feelings of sadness with Dorian, to not really wanting to talk about or include Dorian in our family, to now cuddling his picture of Dorian during our nightly story time, then crying and asking for Dorian to come back. As if our already broken hearts needed more breaking.

But one of the most important things for us amidst our grief is to make sure that Dorian’s name and memory lives on and is never forgotten, especially in our family and in our home. We want our boys to feel safe and free to talk about Dorian and to ask questions (no matter how hard or repetitive it can be for us), to remember their brother in a positive light, and always cherish the memories and time they had with him. We are so lucky that we have an amazing childcare and school who are also looking out for them and encouraging them to feel safe to talk about Dorian in their respective environments.

Say Their Name Day is not just about raising awareness about pregnancy, infant, or child loss; it’s also about encouraging and creating a supportive space for people to have open conversations about loss. I know that many people struggle with this, and the main reason is fear of saying the wrong thing so they say nothing at all, which can sometimes be worse. The less we talk about grief and loss, the less knowledge and understanding we have about it; the world become less grief aware, people who are grieving feel more isolated, the subject becomes more “taboo”, and so this cycle continues.

As a grieving mum who’s still struggling to understand what she needs/wants because it is constantly changing (sometimes even from hour to hour), I’m asking you, please don’t let this happen.

Let’s break this cycle. #saytheirname

Dorian Vincent, our precious gift from God.