Grief isn’t easy to explain, especially when it’s the kind of unexpected, unnatural, and traumatising grief like mine. There are no rules with grief; it moves through our days in ways we don’t expect, and often in quiet, hidden places that others can’t see. And while people may mean well with their words and assumptions, the reality is that grief is far more complex than most realise. In this post, I want to gently open the curtain on some of the things many people might not know about grief.

1. Grief is very isolating.

When you go through grief, especially the loss of a child, it is a very lonely journey. It’s every parent’s worst fear; you can’t imagine it; you don’t even want to think about it! So unless someone has gone through a similar experience, they can’t even begin to understand what you’re going through, let alone be able to talk about it.

But if that wasn’t isolating enough, I’ve also found that a lot of people tend to drop off your radar. It’s sad, but I don’t blame them – a lot of people don’t know how to talk or act around someone who’s grieving. Some want to give you space, and others are scared of saying the wrong thing and making it worse. Even though it’s coming from a good place with good intentions, just bear in mind that sometimes (though not always!), the silence can hurt more than saying the wrong thing. But if you’re ever unsure of what to say, then just keep it short and sweet! A simple “Thinking of you”, “Here for you if you need me”, or even an acknowledgement of “There are no words but I am so sorry for your loss” is more than enough!

2. Grief literally changes you.

When you’re grieving, it feels like there’s a part of you missing and the rest of you is broken. It changes you completely. I can’t even recognise who I am anymore, and I’m still trying to figure out who I am now. I’ve lost passion and motivation, and even hobbies and interests I previously had no longer fill me with joy. And I’m not just talking about a change in personality, but grief and trauma can actually physically alter your brain function.

I used to be really organised with a memory like an elephant’s, but with grief, my brain now gets foggy and my mind feels scattered. I find myself struggling to remember basic things or even things that just happened. I get distracted easily, and sometimes my mind just blacks out in the middle of a conversation or activity. Our oldest son was diagnosed with ADHD last year, and for the first time, I feel like I can somewhat understand a little of what must be going on in his brain!

3. Grief isn't linear.

Everyone knows about the stages of grief, but what a lot of people might not realise is that they’re not linear stages. The best way I can describe it is like a cycle but with interconnecting lines between all the stages. Grief has no pattern. You can jump from one stage to the next, to the next, then back to the first stage again, and sometimes this can all be in the very same day! I still have good days and bad days, and some days where I go through the entire rollercoaster of emotions!

Grief isn’t linear, and there isn’t a timeframe for each stage let alone the entire grief cycle. It’s ok to be at whatever stage you’re in for however long you need to be in it, and it’s ok to feel whatever you’re feeling. You’re not crazy and it’s ok to not be ok. In fact, it’s completely understandable and normal, because your situation is abnormal!

4. Grief is never the same.

Grief is different for everyone. Losing a child is not the same as losing a parent or a partner. One isn’t worse than the other, they’re just not the same, so you can’t compare stories or say that you know how the other feels, because you the harsh truth is, you don’t. But even if there were 2 mothers who had both lost children, their grief would also be different. Losing an adult child would be a very different pain from losing a baby.

Grief can also be different for the same person depending on the circumstances. I’ve had at least one miscarriage (with another suspected missed miscarriage), and the grief I had for the baby I lost in my belly is so completely different from the grief with the baby that I got to carry. It’s not that I loved one more than the other, but one has more memories and photos to leave behind, and a much longer period of future hopes and dreams that we now have to mourn.

5. Grief is forever.

The biggest thing I’ve come to realise is that my grief will never go away. They say time heals but I feel that grief isn’t something you can ever truly heal from. My husband told me a story about his grandfather’s 80thbirthday celebration over a decade ago. The family had put together a slideshow of old photos and memories for him, and when it came to some pictures of his oldest daughter who had passed away at 16, he broke down into tears. That story, along with a beautiful letter his grandmother wrote to us after Dorian’s passing just confirmed what we already knew – we will carry our grief forever. My counsellor told me a beautiful saying that describes it perfectly, “Your grief will never get smaller, but, in time, the container you have to hold it will just get bigger.”

Whether you’re in this grief journey yourself, or loving someone who is, I hope that this post has brought some comfort, understanding, or even just a reminder that you’re not alone. Grief can still be a very taboo topic to talk about, and that makes it hard not only for the people going through grief, but also for the people around them. But the truth is, the more we speak honestly and openly about grief, the more we allow space for healing, and also education for people to become more grief-aware so they can better support that healing. So let’s keep talking about grief, and let’s keep honouring it. Because when we do, we make room for love to continue, even in the hardest places.