“I’m a failure as a mum.”

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve said this. To myself, to my husband, to others. And I know I’m not the only mum who has done this. Therefore, I know the standard responses you’ll get from others about how you are not a failure will be very easily drowned out by the thoughts running through your mind listing out the reasons why you really are, in fact, a failure.

Maybe you forgot something important. Maybe you were too busy cleaning up to stop and play with the kids. Maybe you lost your patience and yelled. Maybe you were already near your limit, and one tiny (in hindsight) thing pushed you over into a meltdown. It’s not hard to keep score of all our mistakes and failures, so it’s even easier to think that our kids are doing the same.

There have been so many moments, especially in the last three years, where I’ve completely lost it and gone into a full psychotic rage. And there have been equally as many moments, if not more, where I see my kids’ faces mid-meltdown and instantly regretted and hated myself, or where I sit on their beds and watch them sleep while feeling like the worst mother in the world and that they deserve better.

Stress, anxiety, fear, grief, trauma…they’re a lot to add on an already overwhelmed nervous system. It certainly doesn’t excuse my meltdowns or make them okay, but it also doesn’t make them any easier for me to understand or control. There have even been some days where I just stay in my room because in my mind, if I limit my interactions with them, I’m less likely to do something wrong. But that still brings on the guilt because I’m still not being a good mum and spending time with them.

I’m sharing all this because I know I’m not alone. Just like me, I know you try your hardest to be the “perfect” mum. I know the guilt and regret you feel when you’ve messed up. And I definitely know the fear that we’re failing our kids and messing them up. I’ve prayed not just for strength and help to be a better mum, but also that my kids will be healed and free of any trauma I may inadvertently put on them by my behaviours that might affect them and the people they grow up to be.

But something that I’m constantly reminded to be true is that children don’t see things the way we do. Our mum guilt makes us see and focus on all the ways we’ve messed up and been imperfect, but our kids see us as their constant. Through their eyes, we're someone who will always love them and be there for them no matter what.

Through their eyes, the ordinary routines of your family life that you don’t even take notice of are pillars of stability for them. They see the times we listen to them and cheer them on when they’ve hit a milestone/achievement. They see the hugs and comfort that you bring, and the apologies you give after you’ve made a mistake. Their love is pure and endless, and even if they remember some of your lowest moments, it’s that love that brings on instant and unconditional forgiveness for when you have messed up. And I know this from experience.

I was unloading to my husband once about what a failure and a bad mum I was – I wasn’t crying but I was definitely upset and feeling really defeated. I didn’t realise our oldest was listening until I went upstairs to check on him in bed, and he said something that I will never forget. He gave me a hug and said, “I don’t think you’re a bad mum.”

No doubt it would be a precious moment between any mum and child, but what you need to understand is that he is autistic and struggles with understanding or processing emotions and social norms/cues. Yet even with his sticky thinking and how literal and logical he is, he did not see or think of me as a bad mum. He didn't see the mistakes I made, the moments I got angry or failed him, and equate that to me being a bad parent. He didn’t see me the way I saw myself.

“A child’s love is the purest, sweetest, and the most unconditional.”

-Anon.

I've shared all this with you because I want you to know that you're not a failure as a mum. And whenever you’re having a bad day, or whenever you feel like you’ve messed up and failed to be the mother that you wanted to be, I want you to pause, take a deep breath, and remember this: your kids aren’t keeping score of your mistakes, and one bad moment doesn’t undo all the love you show them every single day.

At the end of the day, there is no such thing as a “perfect” parent. There is no manual for parenting, and each child is wildly different and unique, just as God made them to be. But our kids don’t need a “perfect” mother; they just need us – the mothers who are perfect for them. So, look at yourself through your child’s eyes, and you’ll see the only mother that they will ever want or need. And to them, you’re already the best mum they could ever ask for.