With Mother’s Day coming up this weekend, it’s been an emotional week to say the least. With Mother’s Day activities planned at school and childcare, all the ads and sales for Mother’s Day gifts, and also having recently spent a lot of quality time with my own mum, my mind and emotions are a bit of a roller coaster. I’m not quite sure how I feel about Mother’s Day this year, and I can’t help but think back to past Mother’s Days and compare them to now.

Mother’s Day had always been a day to celebrate my own mum, but the first time that changed was in 2018. I had miscarried our first child just 4 months prior, I was trying to understand why I hadn’t been able to fall pregnant again since, and I had at least 4 other people around me who had just announced they were pregnant even though they either hadn’t been planning it or hadn’t wanted kids yet. So Mother’s Day for me that year was a bitter reminder of what I didn’t have, but also filled with guilt that I couldn’t be happy for those who did have it.

Thankfully, the next year I was fortunate enough to celebrate my very first Mother’s Day with our 1 month old son! I had 3 years of beautiful celebrations with him, then in 2022 I remember feeling a little bittersweet about Mother’s Day because it was going to be his last Mother’s Day as an only child, and I wasn’t sure how well he’d cope when he would have to share me. Turns out I didn’t have to worry as he was (and still is!) the best big brother, but 2023 threw us a bit of a curveball because Mother’s Day that year held a new secret we were still hiding from everyone else – that it would be (what we thought was going to be) our last Mother’s Day as a family of 4!

This happened before we knew about Dorian’s cardiac conditions – in fact, in the week leading up to Mother’s Day 2023, we’d actually just had our first scan and seen our precious boy for the first time! We had no idea then about the journey that we’d be going on for the rest of 2023 – I won’t get into that as most of you would already be aware of how difficult the pregnancy was, and how scared and uncertain we were of what the future held for Dorian and our family.

And that is why Mother’s Day 2024 was, and always will be, the best Mother’s Day for me. After everything we had gone through, and even with the difficulties we still faced, Dorian was alive and well, and celebrating with us. He was happy, healthy, and thriving, and we had so much hope for the future. We never thought that would be our first and only Mother’s Day as a family of 5.

So this year, I’m left feeling very confused about my feelings towards Mother’s Day. The only thing I know for sure is that it feels worse than my 2018 Mother’s Day. Because back then, it was simpler to process – I was grieving, but I’d only ever known love for 1 child. Now, I have 2 kids still on earth who are excited about all the celebrations; who want to enjoy it with me, and spoil me, but my mum heart is broken because it knows that there’s a kid missing who should be here celebrating with me; who should be in the pictures with us, but isn’t. I want to cherish the moments and continue to make memories with my 2 boys, but I’m sad and I’m angry I didn’t get more memories with all 3 of them. And then I feel guilty because I’ve lost track of how many times my boys have seen me crying, and I worry that they’ll think I loved their brother more than them.

The thing is, it’s basically the same turmoil I go through with every big event, celebration, or milestone we’ve had since Dorian passed, but somehow, being Mother’s Day, everything just feels “more” this time. Maybe because it’s supposed to be Mother’s Day, a day to celebrate me being a mother, but all I see of myself is a broken, struggling, barely holding on mother, and I don’t think I deserve to be celebrated because I feel like I’m a failure as a mum. Or maybe because it’s Mother’s Day, but a large chunk of my motherhood experience has been destroyed; all those things I was savouring with Dorian being our last child such as breastfeeding, baby cuddles, etc, all cut short and stolen from me.

I don’t know what your situation is like and how Mother’s Day feels for you right now. I don’t know if you’re enjoying your very first Mother’s Day, or if you’re like me and feeling a little confused because Mother’s Day holds some pain with it. Whatever it is, I just wanted to let all you women know that it’s okay to feel however you feel. There’s no right or wrong, and at the end of the day, Mother’s Day is simply a day; it doesn’t change anything, and it doesn’t define you. And if your Mother’s Day experience is anything like mine, then I want to leave you with this:

“Even if Mother’s Day feels like it’s been defiled,
You will always be a mother;
They will always be your child.”

written by Lynn Vincent

(an excerpt from my book 'From One Heart To Another: Poetry by a Grieving Mother')