Today is R U OK Day, and like always every year, there are going to be a lot of posts and focus on checking in with the people around you and asking them, “R U OK?”. And while I think it’s great that we have a day centred on mental health and connection, I just felt that it still needs to be said that R U OK Day is so much more than just asking, “R U OK?”.

So in today’s blog post, I’m going to share something that I actually shared many years ago in my first year of my cake business – so if this reads familiar to you, that’s the reason why (and also, wow, and thank you for still being here and supporting me all this time 🥰)! Now, I could’ve written something completely new, but the reason I’m sharing it again is because the original struck a chord with so many people back then, and I believe it’s still as relevant today.

In fact, I’ve literally had several conversations with various people about mental health in the last few weeks, and what I’m about to share was a recurring theme in each one. So I really hope you take some time to read this post today, because I believe it will help build not just awareness around mental health, but more importantly, real connection that will allow safe spaces for talking about mental health.

Alright, so like I said earlier, today you’re probably going to hear a lot of “R U OK?”s, and you might probably be asking a lot of people the same question yourself! But (and this is the important part), when you ask “R U OK?”, HOW do you do it? Do you really mean it, and are you prepared to listen and look for signs that they’re not actually ok, even if they say they are? And if so, do you let them know you mean it, and that you really are there for them?

As someone with a history of mental health illness and now grief, I guarantee you that when someone asks us how we are, most of us would just give the standard, “I’m alright, thanks!” or something along those lines. Because these are the things that are probably going through our minds:

• They’re just being polite.

• That’s the standard response to a standard greeting.

• Nobody actually wants to hear what’s happening or how I’m doing.

• I don’t want to be a burden, so I’ll just lie and say I’m fine.

But let’s say we decide to take a chance and start sharing, our minds still don’t stop. So as we share, it’s always in the back of our minds that we’re just droning on and nobody really wants to hear all this. That maybe we should’ve just kept our mouths shut. That we’ve now gone and made things awkward. So then, we stop sharing, we downplay things, we laugh and brush it off like it doesn’t actually matter because that’s just life! And depending on how the other person reacts, it’s quite often that from there, we end up shutting down completely, and decide in the future to just continue masking instead of sharing how we really are. Because it’s easier to deal with it alone than to reach out and face rejection.

BUT. If you make us feel safe and comfortable. If you make us feel like you really care and that you have time for us, and most importantly, that you really want to LISTEN to everything we have to say? Then, we might start to feel comfortable about opening up, and start being honest about how we really feel! Because the truth is, we’re not sharing to ask you to fix our problems; we just want a safe space to be raw and real!

So can I just encourage you today (and EVERY day!), when you ask someone, “R U OK?, firstly, make sure you really mean it. Then, do your best to let them know you mean it! That it’s not just a once-a-year thing or a standard “How ya goin’, mate?” greeting. It can be as simple as following up your “R U OK?” with a, “No, really…ARE you OK? Because I’m here to listen if you want to share.” And even if they’re not ready to share straight away, show them consistently that you are there for them, and that you will be there to listen when they are ready!

Remember, mental health is ongoing – you can’t just contain support and connection to 1-2 days a year. And if you yourself need some support or connection, please reach out to someone. If you feel like you have nobody around you who you can talk to, then reach out to a professional counsellor, psychologist, or mental health therapist – and if you can’t afford therapy, then please use one of the many FREE mental health helplines and services available (I’ve included a link below to a comprehensive list of those in Australia). You are not alone, so please don’t walk your journey alone.

*Here is a list for FREE mental health helplines in Australia, which include general mental health lines, but also more specific ones eg for kids, pregnancy/new parents, veterans, etc.

**If you’re wanting to really take action and work on your mental health, then I’d like to recommend this Daily Mental Health Reset that was created by my lovely friend, Renee, and contains 30 guided but practical mental health resets you can do in under 10 minutes — so you can’t use time as an excuse for not looking after your mental health!