I cannot believe we’re already in February. I was only just getting used to 2026, we’re back at school, both hubby and my birthdays have already come and gone, aaaaaand… I’m already seeing Easter chocolate in the shops!! Also, if you’re wondering, the answer is, no, I did not buy any – just out of principle! But, I do have to accept the reality that we’re already into the second month of 2026.

In fact, my phone has been doing a really good job of reminding me what month it is, what with all the photo memory reels that pop up across all the different apps. That’s because historically, this last week would have been one of the busiest times for me as I’d be celebrating not just my birthday, but also the anniversary of when I started my home caking business! In hindsight, I really should’ve given myself more time to recoup from my birthday, but I wanted a cool, palindrome start date of 02.02.2020.

For those of you who didn’t know, I had a home caking business specialising in celebration cupcakes and kids’ events, and in the later part of my business, teaching mums how to bake and decorate buttercream cakes like a pro! Cake (or, more specifically, cupcake) decorating had become my therapy and outlet from depression, anxiety, and mental health illness back in 2017, so this business was a dream of mine to be able to do something I loved from home whilst contributing financially to my family. And I made A LOT of treats (and had A LOT of fun!) during my time in business!

So, as I was pouring through 5 years of cake memories and celebration photos/posts, I was really surprised to find that I didn’t feel the least bit nostalgic. In fact, I didn’t miss it; not at all. If I’m being honest, I actually felt relief! And if I’m being completely frank, I actually felt glad that I wasn’t caking anymore.

The harsh truth is that something that once brought me so much satisfaction and joy, now brings me sadness, frustration, and, at times, even dread. That is the unfortunate reality of what grief does to a person. It changes who you are completely – even the things you wouldn’t think it would.

A few months after Dorian passed, I wanted to make some cupcakes for a friend’s baby shower. It was a special event – so many people had prayed for this baby, and I was beyond happy for her. But as I stood looking at the undecorated cupcakes and uncoloured icing, my brain wouldn’t work. For the first time ever, I was stuck. I couldn’t even think of a colour scheme.

It turned out alright in the end, but I remember crying to my mum about how the one thing that had previously brought me out of depression wasn’t working anymore. I felt broken, uninspired, and unmotivated. My mum, while comforting me, said, “It’s only been a few months. Give it time. It’ll come back to you.”

But it didn’t.

Whether it was cupcakes for teacher’s gifts, Christmas treats, or cake decorating workshops for my online Cakecademy, that spark wasn’t there anymore. I struggled with ideas, I struggled with colour schemes, I struggled deciding even on sprinkles, let alone themes! In fact, the only cake I hadn’t struggled with (artistically) was Dorian’s first birthday cake, and that was only because I’d planned every detail since he was in my belly. Nope, my struggle with his cake was all mental and emotional.

And that was my next problem. Instead of bringing me joy, caking now made me sad. Because every time I made something, I couldn’t help but think about how I never got to make anything for Dorian. He never even got to try any of my cakes because we were strict on the whole “no cake/buttercream until their first birthday” rule! And it just made my business seem wrong – that I’d be making cakes for other people’s children to enjoy, but I never got to (and would never get to) do that for my own son.

But I felt I owed it to myself to continue with my cake business. And I thought I owed it to Dorian as well. Because I built and launched my Cakecademy with him and celebrated my very first student enrolment while bouncing him on my lap. And most of all, I didn’t want to let down my clients, and I was scared people would think I was a flake and/or a failure. So, I kept going for another 4 months.

But while I was able to put on a mask and fool the world, I couldn’t fool myself. And also, it really just didn’t sit right with me that my clients were no longer getting what I deemed to be “my level” of quality in my products or offers. Please don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t selling bad items – in fact, people were saying that I was being silly/crazy because everything was exactly the same and amazing as always. But I just knew – it wasn’t the same. There was just something that wasn’t quite right. And whether there actually was something tangible, or if it was just my internalised feelings, I knew I couldn’t keep going.

Even then, it was a struggle to give up my cake business that I had worked so hard to build and spent so much time, labour, and money on. I wrestled with God about this decision for a month until I finally decided to surrender and end it completely. And you know what? I really don’t regret it at all!

I’ve made several cakes (all for my boys’ birthdays) and many, many more cupcakes (just for friends and teachers’ gifts) in the last year since closing my business. Even now, one year later, I still have people asking if I’m back in business, or if I will ever resume it. Sorry to disappoint you all, but the answer is still a solid “No”. I can tell you now, that despite what my mum said, and despite how other people have to tried to encourage me to leave the door open for a cakey return, that spark still hasn’t come back. Time hasn’t made a difference; it’s only made me realise that I made the right decision.

Because in the end, it doesn’t matter what the world thinks or wants from you. They don’t know you, and they don’t necessarily know what’s best for you. If you’re not true to yourself, you’re the one who’s going to have to live with it. Life is too short to be doing something that doesn’t bring you joy or meaning.

And that is one of the main reasons why caking had to stop for me.

So, if you’ve been feeling anything like what I was: unmotivated, unfulfilled, maybe even uneasy or not at peace, and like something’s not quite right – I’d like to encourage you to explore those feelings. I’m not saying you need to give up something like I did with my cake business, but spend some time processing and figuring out where those feelings might be coming from, and whether or not you might need to make a change. And most importantly, don’t get distracted by what others are doing or expecting from you – stay in your own lane, and run your own race!

And of course, if you’re a woman of faith like me, the best thing you can do is to pray 🙏

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” – Philippians 4:6