Motherhood has a way of stretching you in every possible way – your time, energy, patience, and emotions; your entire body, heart, mind, and spirit. And when you’re walking through grief and trauma on top of that, it can feel like you’re constantly giving not just from an empty cup, but a cracked and leaking one at that!

That’s why boundaries matter.

I won’t lie – setting boundaries is still something I’m learning. I was raised in a culture where boundaries, especially against family, were pretty much unheard of, or considered disrespectful. But after becoming a mum, and even more so after losing our youngest son, I’ve come to realise something.

Boundaries aren’t walls to keep people out – they’re fences that protect what’s sacred inside. They help you decide who/what gets your energy, when, and how much. Boundaries aren’t about gatekeeping or control; they’re about care – for yourself, your family, and most often, for your own healing.

I know I’m not the only person who has grown up and gone through life wary about boundary-setting because it feels selfish. We worry we’ll disappoint people or that they won’t understand. Worse still, we’re anxious about the repercussions, where we can often be made to feel ungrateful and guilty. I’ve even had experiences where the situation was turned back around on me, and I was gaslighted and vilified.

But here’s the thing. Boundaries, when done for valid reasons, are an act of love and protection. And when you’ve experienced grief and trauma, boundaries are actually an essential part of healing. Grief is already heavy – you don’t need the extra weight of other people’s expectations, opinions, or discomfort; you need space.

And regardless of whether it’s boundaries in motherhood or in grief, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for protecting your peace. You aren’t meant to please everyone. You’re meant to live whole, present, and grounded in grace, so you can be your best self for the people you love most.

And speaking of the people you love most, I’ve learnt that as a mum, setting boundaries can be a teaching moment for our kids. It’s a way to break the cycle of how I and my generation were raised, to keep the peace and the people around me happy at the sacrifice of our own needs and feelings. So now when I set boundaries for myself, I’m showing my kids that it’s okay to rest, to say “no”, to choose their own peace, and to honour their own needs. I’m teaching them self-respect and emotional safety, and that they matter.

Now, I feel it needs to be said that although I’m encouraging boundary-setting, I’m talking about healthy boundaries. Something my counsellor once told me is that a healthy boundary is grounded in love, not fear, unforgiveness, or anger. It says, “This is what I need to stay well,” not, “You’re a problem I want to avoid.”

Sometimes, boundaries are used as barriers to avoid growth, hard conversations, or connection altogether. But boundaries should never be about punishing or controlling others. They’re about taking ownership of your own actions, emotions, and limits, while still leaving room for grace, forgiveness, and relationship (if you feel safe to do so).

So just be mindful that whatever boundaries you set need to come from a healthy place, and be rooted in self-awareness, honesty, and grace. It’s okay to take space, but you also need to ask, why am I taking it? Is it truly protecting my peace, or am I just avoiding something uncomfortable that might help me heal?

To give you a better idea of what healthy boundaries may look like, here are some examples:

In motherhood

Choosing rest over productivity when your body/mind needs it

Confronting your family when they contradict/defy your parenting methods

Saying no to things that drain you or add unnecessary pressure

In grief

Choosing not to attend events/celebrations that feel too painful, without apology

Protecting sacred spaces or memories that bring you comfort

Giving yourself permission to step away from people who can’t hold your grief with care or consideration.

Finally, some gentle reminders:

You don’t need anyone’s permission to rest, heal, or step back. You’re allowed to choose your own peace over people-pleasing, guilt, or even productivity.

Healthy boundaries aren’t about keeping people out, they’re about keeping you whole. And in motherhood, grief, and healing, sometimes setting boundaries can be one of the most loving things you can do for yourself and the people who rely on you. 💛