We often grow up believing that family is important. Family is supposed to be our safe place; the people who have your back, who will protect you, understand you, and love you unconditionally. In Asian culture especially, family is supposed to be everything; family comes first.

So, what happens when family hurts you? Because if there’s one thing I’ve come to understand in my 30s, it’s that sometimes, the deepest wounds come from those closest to us – the ones who claim to know us best.

And maybe that’s why it hurts so much. Because family are the people who are supposed to “get you”. They’re supposed to be on your team, they’re supposed to listen to you, try to understand you, and then support and help you. But sometimes, all you get instead is judgement, silence, denial/dismissal, or, even worse, gaslighting, manipulation, and, worst of all, vilification.

Now, let me get one thing straight. Today’s blog post is not going to be about me badmouthing or vilifying family members, although I know that people are going to be offended or accuse me of “airing my dirty laundry in public” anyway. No. The reason I’m writing about this “taboo” topic is because I know that there are many people out there who have been hurt by family and they are still carrying all the emotions that come with that: pain, anger, resentment, bitterness, confusion, guilt, doubt, etc.

Something that both my husband and I have learnt these last few years is that family doesn’t always have your back. They might love you unconditionally, but that doesn’t mean that they’ll treat you fairly or try to understand your side of the story or what you’re going through. Sometimes, they’re more concerned about “saving face” and protecting reputations rather than facing the truth.

And sometimes, they don’t even stay on your team, but instead will pin you as the scapegoat, the troublemaker, the rebel, the villain, all because you won’t conform to their wants and ideas of what is “right”. In fact, I even wrote a poem related to this in my book ‘From One Heart To Another’ because I was hurt, frustrated, and yes, angry, that even in our grief, family could still turn against us.

But as part of my grief and healing journey, I’ve realised this really hard truth: sometimes, healing means accepting who your family are, and choosing to let go of the expectation that they’ll change.

And an even harder truth that I’m still trying to wrap my head around is that you can love your family but still need distance; that you can forgive but still want to protect your peace. God calls us to forgive, but (and feel free to correct me if I’m wrong) I can’t find anywhere in the Bible that says you have to silently accept and allow yourself to be continuously hurt by other people’s actions towards you.

Healing and reconciliation may start with forgiveness, but forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean you have to allow them the same access to you as they had before. Sometimes, you may need to create some healthy boundaries even with family, and that’s okay. Jesus Himself set boundaries, walked away from certain people, and even said “No” to family when they couldn’t understand His mission on earth.

As long as you’re sure that your boundaries come from a place of protection and not unforgiveness, resentment, or even an unwillingness to heal, then I want you to know that it’s okay. You’re allowed to protect your peace and mental/emotional wellbeing. That doesn’t make you ungrateful, selfish, a disappointment, or the black sheep.

And I know your family (or even your culture!) probably won’t understand that, and you may even be challenged on your decisions and made to doubt yourself and feel guilty. But let’s put it this way: if it was a friend, a colleague, or some other non-family member treating you the same way, would your family tell you to keep forgiving them and putting up with it for the sake of your relationship with said person? Or would they tell you that person was “not good/nice” and that you should leave/distance yourself from their company?

So, if you’ve been repeatedly hurt or let down by family, I hope you know that you are not alone and that doesn’t mean you are broken, problematic, or unlovable. Family isn’t an excuse to treat someone the way you wouldn’t treat someone else. And if pleasing your family means sacrificing your sanity or your mental health, then that’s not love; that’s control.

But regardless of how they have let you down and hurt you, I want to still encourage you to work on forgiveness and healing. Remember, forgiveness doesn’t depend on the other person; on whether they’ve acknowledged or apologised for their actions, or whether they deserve forgiveness or not. Forgiveness is all about your heart and choosing to let go of the hurt so that you don’t store up bitterness instead.

Family, and even other people, will hurt you, and they may continue to do so even with boundaries in place, but they don’t control your healing. You do. Channel your hurt into healing, break that cycle, and break free.