The other week, I posted about Finding Your Village – why we need community, what that can look like, and some gentle ways to help you find your village. Then I realised, there was another side to that coin that I needed to talk about – an uglier side.

Motherhood changes a lot – your body, your priorities, your time and routines, your identity and sense of self. But nobody really warns you that motherhood can also change your friendships, and in some cases, you can even lose them.

It’s usually not dramatic. Most of the time, people drift away slowly and quietly – unanswered texts, catch ups that never happen, the quiet, underlying sense that your worlds no longer align. Sometimes, people disappear without warning, and you’re left feeling confused and wondering what went wrong or if it was something you did. And other times, it’s heartbreakingly clear: they don’t get this version of you, and the friendship simply doesn’t fit anymore.

However it happens, I think we can all agree that it hurts. And it can be very lonely, especially when motherhood is already so isolating! You may even start to question your self-worth and likability, and wonder where you fit anymore. If that is you, then rest assured you’re not the only one feeling this way because I’ve been there too and am still going through that even now!

We tend not to talk about it, but the truth is that losing friends is a normal (but still painful!) part of life that happens to almost everyone. But most importantly, it’s okay to grieve these friendships. After all, they were a part of your story, and some of these friendships might even have been a strong and safe space once.

I just want to give you some encouragement though, and a gentle reminder that losing friends doesn’t necessarily mean that you did something wrong or that there's something wrong with you. It also doesn’t mean that you love your friends any less or vice versa. Sometimes, it’s just as simple as being in different seasons of life. And just as seasons change, so can your people; some will walk away, but others will walk in right when you need them.

I also want to point out that it’s not just motherhood, but grief and trauma that can change your friendships too, and in even more complex ways. Grief and trauma change you - the way you see the world, what you value, how you connect with others. And while some people can hold space for that, unfortunately, others can’t. You might find certain friends avoid talking about your loss because they don’t know what to say. Others may quietly disappear because your pain makes them uncomfortable.

Again, however it happens, it still hurts. And it’s also a funny thing to navigate the grief from lost friendships on top of the grief from the passing of a loved one. But what I’ve found from my experiences of losing friends both in motherhood and in grief, is that the friendships that remain (or the new friendships that you find) become sacred. Because while it’s painful to lose people, you also get to see those who can walk beside you in both light and dark.

And these people become your village. They’re the ones who understand that motherhood and life in general are both beautiful and brutal. They’re the ones who check in when you go quiet and understand when you cancel plans; the ones who don’t take it personally when your replies come days (or sometimes weeks!) later. They’re the ones who get that healing isn’t linear; the ones who can sit with you in your pain and listen without trying to fix; the ones who remember anniversaries and aren’t afraid to say your child’s name out loud.

There’s a saying: “Sometimes God removes people from our path not to punish us, but to prepare or protect us.” If that is so, then maybe the quiet spaces where your lost friendships once sat are where God can begin to refill your heart with new light, love, and community. Maybe some of the old friendships had to go so you could be guided to the people who can meet you in the season you’re in; to people who will see all of you as you are right now, not as you used to be.

So if you’ve ever lost friends, or if you’re currently going through a change in friendships, whether through motherhood, grief, or just the natural flow of life, just remember these truths:

1. You're not broken; you’re just evolving.

2. You’re allowed to outgrow people.

3. You’re not a bad friend/person if you’ve changed or if you have less capacity now.

4. Don’t hold so tightly to what was that you miss out on what’s waiting.

5. Be grateful for the past, and cherish the beautiful memories and lessons from those friendships.